In today's world of fast-moving steam-powered cow-people, Protect-a-rug can provide the sniveling underhand services of the dystopian future ruled by the iron fist of Tricia. Our slack-jawed programme of deceit delivers instant sickening feelings to anyone with any lingering thoughts that the idiots have not taken over.

Yes we are the crawling scum people.

Our award winning bug-eyed simpleton-scamming programme is run entirely by greedy simpletons. We promise to remain entirely witless even to the point of not protecting our own rug.

For this month, and this month only, we're offering an unrepeatable get your own back special - If you're sick of money-grubbing pre-humans contacting you then simply fill in our hate-o-fax reply-blister below.